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Vegetable Jokes

I made up these terrible vegetable-themed one liner jokes with some help from friends! They work best if you say them out loud.

  • Which vegetable has animals in it?
    • Zu-cchini 
  • Which vegetable got left home alone by it’s parents and then had to contend with burglars using only common household items and the coolest Walkman on the planet?
    • Mcauli-flower
  • What’s the most pressurized vegetable?
    • Pump-kin
  • What’s the most incontinent vegetable?
    • Leek
  • What’s the most incontinent fruit?
    • Peach
  • What’s the most emotionally stagnant vegetable?
    • Rut-abaga
  • What’s the best vegetable for cheerleaders?
    • Rut-abaga
  • What’s the flattest vegetable?
    • Squash
  • What’s the most unfashionably 90’s vegetable?
    • Rad-ish
  • What’s the most sympathetic vegetable?
    • Carr-ot
  • What’s the most destitute vegetable?
    • Po-tato
  • What’s the douchiest vegetable?
    • Bro-ccoli
  • What’s the douchiest fruit?
    • Blackberry
  • What’s the best vegetable for BBQ?
    • Chard
  • What’s the best vegetable for pool?
    • Cu-cumber
  • What’s the best vegetable for a burglar?
    • Caper
  • Which vegetable cracks under pressure?
    • Eggplant
  • Which vegetable describes the center of the earth?
    • Corn
  • Which vegetable describes an oatmeal restaurant
    • Mush-room
  • What’s the official vegetable of the Iditarod?
    • Mush-room
  • What’s the official vegetable of rest stops during the Iditarod?
    • Snow Peas
  • What’s the best vegetable for a funny retort?
    • Snap Peas
  • What’s the loudest vegetable?
    • Snap Peas
  • What’s the best vegetable for happy hour?
    • Gin-ger
  • What’s the deepest vegetable?
    • Bas-il
  • What’s the best vegetable for decoding XML?
    • Parse-ly
  • What’s the richest vegetable?
    • Mint
  • What’s the richest fruit?
    • Apple
  • Which vegetable is good at scrabble?
    • Spelt
  • What’s the worst vegetable in a chinese restaurant?
    • Baby corn, I hate that stuff
  • Which vegetable was snubbed by a woman?
    • Rue-barb
  • Which vegetable do you find in prison?
    • Cel-ery
  • Which vegetable is having a bad hair day?
    • Frisee
  • Which vegetable invented the internet?
    • Al-falfa
  • Which vegetable shouldn’t have stayed at that Youth Hostel and ended up in a cooler of ice?
    • Kidney beans
  • Which vegetable fasts before Easter?
    • Lentil
  • Which vegetable shows up to the party unexpectedly?
    • Turnip
  • Which vegetable do you want to see in the lost and found?
    • Turnip
  • Which vegetable doesn’t need caffeine?
    • Pepper?
  • Which vegetable gets dizzy all the time?
    • Spinach
  • Which vegetable is a Fox news anchor?
    • Spinach
  • Which vegetable am I wasting?
    • Thyme
  • Which vegetable is like the center of your hand?
    • Hearts of palm
  • Which vegetable puts mayo on their fries?
    • Brussels sprout
  • Which vegetable makes a good floor?
    • Ok-ra
  • Which vegetable tells funny jokes?
    • Ja-lapenos
  • What vegetable is all dressed up?
    • Collar-d greens
  • What vegetable scored a touchdown?
    • Endive
  • What vegetable went into space?
    • Rocket
  • What’s the most rhythmic vegetable?
    • Beet
  • What’s the best vegetable for getting around town?
    • Cab-bage
  • What’s the most boring vegetable?
    • Fresno Pepper
  • What’s the best vegetable for Simon & Garfunkel haters?
    • Art-i-choke
  • What’s the best vegetable for amateur painting exhibitions?
    • Art-i-choke
  • Which vegetable makes the best hummus?
    • A Jerusalem artichoke
  • What’s the vegetable Zooey Deschanel wears?
    • Garb-on-zo
  • What’s the best vegetable for a hot dog?
    • Mustard greens
  • What’s the best vegetable for french fries?
    • Ketchup, obviously

Fruit Jokes

  • What’s the most Hollywood fruit?
    • Starfruit
  • Which fruit do horses like best?
    • Straw-berries
  • What’s the manliest fruit?
    • Mango
  • Which fruit is most like a foot?
    • To-mato
  • Which fruit do sheep like best?
    • Ba-nana
  • What fruit best describes a currently-attacking Shaolin monk?
    • Fuyu
  • What’s the most depressed fruit?
    • Blue-berry
  • What fruit has laryngitis?
    • Rasp-berry
  • What fruit loves reggae?
    • Ras-pberry
  • Which fruit is like a treehouse?
    • Bosyen-berry
  • What’s the most comfortable fruit?
    • Cherry
  • What fruit best describes humanity?
    • Olives
  • What’s the best fruit for Conan O’Brien fans?
    • Coco-nut
  • Which fruit is good at limbo?
    • Loquat
  • What’s the shortest fruit?
    • Loquat
  • Which fruit hates Australians?
    • Kiwi
  • Which fruit can wear bow ties?
    • Nec-tarine
  • Which fruit rows a boat?
    • Or-ange
  • Which fruit likes Wheel of Fortune?
    • Elder Berry
  • Which fruit misses it’s loved one?
    • Pine-apple
  • Which fruit is only a liquid?
    • Snapple
  • Which fruit speaks Chinese?
    • Mandarin
  • Which fruit is a dinner and a movie?
    • A date
  • Which fruit had a non-traditional wedding?
    • Cantaloupe
  • Which fruit is like two rabbis?
    • Jujube
Oct
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1st
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Part of a set recorded live at Nuits Estropical / Alchemia / Krakow / 30-11-10

Sep
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peterberkman:

saw this earlier and was like ‘probs says something stupid’ but now reading it and see it is kewl

peterberkman:

saw this earlier and was like ‘probs says something stupid’ but now reading it and see it is kewl

(Source: wilwheaton)

Sep
20th
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filthyphil:

Math. Not even once.

filthyphil:

Math. Not even once.

Sep
19th
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♪ Listening to Alkibar Gignor – Allah Baoudou on exfm

Sep
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